l'appel du vide
“I had to be alone to understand everything, to unlearn and to understand again. That life I had was very easy, a life of only fun, of lovers.”
What Are You Hungry For?
Part 2.
One wand left a ring of ashes and I felt the absence in the room. The scent lingered, though I could feel something had died. I sat up and took a few moments to blink my being into focus. Ashes scattered on the wooden trunk. Three tarot cards. White leopard, starfish, crow. Fire, water, and air.
I knelt before that wee alter I constructed with books, two journals, two books of poetry, and the animal spirit deck guidebook. I took the blue plastic lighter and held it to the wand. When I saw it glowing red at the tip, I set the lighter aside and placed the incense in Ganesha's palm.
Remover of Obstacles, Blesser of New Beginnings, Trickster, Ganesha is an instrument of God. An incarnation of His Divine Form.
When I was tucked in with the blanket on the ground, I set the sandbag over my eyes. Total darkness. Complete absence of the visual world. I looked through the keyhole and pushed myself in.
What are you hungry for?
My thoughts were more elaborate on the fourth strike.
My ego appeared first. She was decorated in green lace and gold jewels. She was laughing; her lips were painted blood red. People looked up to her though they could not see her. She looked out from behind long dark bangs. She was hiding in full view. Jessica. She needs me and I need her. Her deep, burning desire is to be known as a Writer! To be seen through the wisdom of her words. Her beauty is conducted through the stories she lends to the page. These little jewels pulled up from the river.
She is thirsty all the time and drinks from a glass tumbler.
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica. I have said your name three times to release you.
As She walked away in those black boots I know so well, I felt the next pang of hunger enter my body. My physical body. I wanted more hummus! I wanted a piece of toasted bread with butter and jam. I wanted a perfectly poached egg that would break and bleed onto crispy potatoes and roasted veggies. I wanted a cup of coffee, double shot, heavy on the cream. I wanted a chocolate chip cookie with sea salt. Warm and gooey. Like the hazelnut cookies from Oh Carolina!
I wanted pureed parsnips with lemon-rinsed asparagus. I wanted a Chicago-style steak with a glass of dry pinot noir. I wanted smoked salmon cut into thin stripes and speckled with ginger. I wanted to eat and drink until I felt stoned.
I wanted to get high!
I felt my palms on my belly and let them tease that orange bulb that moved in long lines from my body to the outside. If I were to consume at that pace, it would kill the light. It would make me bloated and soft and mushy. I would lose my focus.
Plus, I was not hungry. If I took my focus into my palms, I felt that I was physically sated. Nourished and calm. I was not growling out of a need to eat. My dinner was enough.
What am I hungry for? My hands on my skin, that brush of fingertip to the soft flesh of my belly. Taking my focus to my skin and the sensation that sparked with the gentle motion of my hands, I felt the next need: touch. Love. Longing. Is this desire? A need to be reassured by someone else? The need to be seen? The desire to come into contact with another body. To open the mouth and bring them in. Teeth and tongue, pressing lips and willing the self to soften. And harden. Open.
The wetness and swelling. The arousal. My heart leaped up and I swallowed to keep it at my throat. It's just me in this room. I forced my hands to be still and willed my breath deeper into my body.
I am hungry with desire, though do I need to be fed?
Not at this moment. I can fan the flames and keep questioning.
Sex is the physical striking of the soul. Each time I have made love, it has been to annihilate a part of myself to create something else!
Love is the closest we come to death without leaving our bodies forever.
It is an act of surrender to the object of your devotion. Not to him or her, to HIM or HER.
You are complete; no one will ever complete you. There is too great a focus on gender and not enough on the energies. Masculine and feminine. The parts are emphasized because they are what we can see and therefore manipulate and control. It takes deep concentration to go into the energies and beyond what you can touch.
I have never masturbated. I don't feel a need to.
I love playing with others! I love the co-mingling. I love the uncertainty and spontaneous burst. I love feeling into another person through their body. I love the change of pace in breath and beat. I love how my heart leaps up and out and when it comes back to me, a part of me has died and something else is taking form.
I am not in a space for physical love to take root. Passion is in me. I feel it pulsing quickly through my body and I will hold it here as I create and consider my message. I need my passion to fuel my voice as a writer.
What are you hungry for?
I am filled with desire; I am hungry for the thrust of lust. I have accepted that this is not what is available to me. So I must move on.
What are you hungry for?
I want to surrender- my body and soul. I want to stop worrying. I want to feel needed and loved. I want to be consumed. I want to be desired and devoured! Is this freedom?
How can I attain God- the Goddess- from this wild and reckless place within my soul!?
I long to be contained, yet I want to shatter the chains that bind me to all that I think I am, to what I am perceived to be.
That initial question brought me here: why am I a woman? Where did I come from? What did I say yes to?
I said YES to being born and therefore, I said yes to discovering my chains, my slavery, and my path to freedom.
I said YES to the Goddess the moment the lights collided.
I have said YES to the Goddess many times and will keep screaming my affirmation until I have a voice!
Nothing is lost when you give it all away.
What are you hungry for?
I am hungry for the Goddess. I want to be filled with her Love. I want to feel Light and Alive and All-Encompassing.
Like the blossom that drops its petals and seeds, it has nothing to do but wait.
Photo source.
