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“I have no desire to dress up my poetry and make it fancy. I want the poem to be as true as humanly possible to the feeling that inspired it. That’s my only concern. Everything else seems wrong.”
Part 3.
It's In the Gut
I've been creating an altar for over a decade. I carry it with me wherever I go. With ornaments, cards, poetry, flowers, and pictures. The few simple things that remind me of home.
Ritual is one way to create a sense of calm and reconnect to the person we once were when things shift outside of once was.
I am outside of the ring. Whatever I was a year ago, I am not anymore.
The altar is a construction of my Soul. It is a place for me to return to when I feel desolate.
I understand that my shrine is a physical manifestation of my Spirit: of the Goddess. The pyramids are a symbolic representation of the Divine. Ceremonies are a portal to speak through God and connect with the Spirit. It is a way for us to remember our humanity.
To humble ourselves and remember that we are part of something so much greater than we can grasp.
We are strong; we are purposeful; we are determined and disciplined.
We are His/Her disciples, though we are not weak.
We can be wise, wanting, resilient, and still devoted to the Goddess!
I do not need to make myself smaller to meet Him/Her. Anyone who asks me to shrink is not of God. Krishna did not demand anything of Arjuna; he offered himself and answered the inquiry.
We must be Seekers to receive the Call!
What I am hungry for is My Voice. I am hungry for the eternal knowledge that took form long before me. I want to be filled with stories and share the wisdom of the ancestors and all those devoted, blessed beings that walked before me!
I have been seeking my whole life and asking questions. I will keep pushing and pulling, sending my heart out, fishing. I will bring my heart back, Anjali Mudra; I belong.
I understand now why people do the fantastic things that they do! It can be fanatical and fatal. To be closer to God, however, He Stands in their eyes.
My love is pure and my purpose is to be more concentrated. I am learning how to refine my concentration. With the help of my Guides.
Goddess, are you listening? I have been searching my entire life, leading me to this moment! I am not waiting. I am living through you and when you decide to appear, I will pause. And I will listen.
What I am hungry for as revealed in layers:
Ego - hungry to fulfill my goals
The physical pain of being - feed to fill a void
The physical touch of assurance - you are loved
Connection - human belonging - you are part of something
Devotion - God is in you - a manifestation of something greater
Surrender - humble yourself - sacrifice - Simone Weil
Ramadan is in one week to the day. Clara and I have been discussing doing a cleanse, as I always do this time of year. The Wild Rose Detox. I do it each spring. Last year, I did it when I arrived in Flagstaff, Arizona, at Macey's. I cooked and ate by the sattvic diet for one month and took the herbal treatment for twelve days. It was April.
Millions of people participate in Ramadan from around the world every year. Millions of people give up food and water during the daylight hours to invoke God. To invite Him to their homes, to fill their bodies with the inescapable feeling of being empty.
Is emptying the self a requirement for freedom?
Ridding the physical body of craving and desire? Is this requisite for speaking with God?
I cannot speak of Ramadan because I have never done it. I cannot say what it feels like.
Why is emptiness associated with purity? Krishna says to empty the self of all attachments to the fruits of labor. In many spiritual practices, ridding the self of attachment is one of the steps to liberation.
This will be the next question for my meditation: what am I attached to?
Right now, I am focused on my hunger. The layers of longing work with the five koshas of Indian Philosophy.
The 5 Koshas:
Body - Annamaya Kosha.
Breath - Pranamaya Kosha.
Subconscious - Manomaya Kosha.
Intuition - Vijnanamaya Kosha.
Soul - Anandamaya Kosha.
I want to strip myself down to the bliss body, the Soul. I want to examine each of the layers of myself. I want to peel back each of the veils to see what feeds me. I want to free myself of attachment to get to the source.
I want to get to the heart of the thing where Krishna, God of Compassion, presides.
Something died in that moment of knowing, and I knew the wand had burnt itself to the wee wick in Ganesha's palm. The scent lingered though life was gone.
I felt cold and calm. In that moment, I knew what I wanted to do.
I am saying want over need because I want to invoke my choice and willingness to participate.
I will always move from a desire instead of duty. This is my Tantric practice expressing itself. My focus is on my heart, always.
Writing from the Wings.
In seven days, Ramadan begins and I will participate. I am telling you the timeline because it is relevant. One week to the day, I had a call with Georgina and contemplated my origin story. I took meditation to explore the essence of my parents. I have been inquiring about why I am a woman and why I was born into this body. In the Bible, the Book of Genesis, the world was created in seven days. On the first day of Creation, He separated Light from Dark. A polarity was created to give birth to the world. The splitting had to happen for Us to Exist. The rupture reveals the tension where matter is born and the material realm can take form. Otherwise, we would all be of Him and not exist in our own entities as people individuated. Our consciousness is all-pervading, and of Him, though our bodies are ours do with as we like.
My body is a vessel or a tomb; it depends on my perspective and how I treat myself. I get to choose the words that provide the context for my surroundings.
I am committing to Ramadan to explore the splitting of Light and Dark. I want to feel where my body empties itself and seeks outward for God, to touch another source and anchor in belonging. I know I will never be fulfilled physically by food, people, or places. Objects do not give me a sense of assurance. Wherever I go, the shell is unique though the core is the same.
I must continue to seek the sacred. I am choosing to do Ramadan to connect with the part of my Soul that is of the Goddess. Energetically, I want to bond with everyone else who has a pure heart and strong faith. We celebrate by the moonlight; in the dark, we feast.
Photo source.
