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E came over for coffee this morning. Forty minutes. He got a lot of sun yesterday; his face and arms were more tanned than when I'd last seen him. Thursday or Friday. I don't remember.
We had planned to meet yesterday. I had a dentist's appointment for my new teeth. The crowns differed from the correct color, so I have another appointment. They broke the two fake teeth with a long silver wand that punched into the tooth to snap it when a button was pressed. It worked for the left tooth but not the right side. The dentist had to use two drills and the snapper wand. I was not given any freezing, so my mouth bled and I cried.
I couldn't have the freezing because they wanted to see how the new crowns would look in my mouth. I need you to smile, if you're frozen, we cannot see what it will look like. I understand, I said. It was a very short, yet intense, process. The breaking of the teeth and fitting the crowns.
Once the crowns were assessed, I was given six needles to freeze the gums and the four top teeth. I could not feel my nose or chin. The dentist added the veneers to the two teeth adjacent to the front teeth. She also replaced the fillings of the root canals. It is a very odd thing to watch people operating inside the mouth without sensation. I kept peeking at the hands passing the instruments and lights back and forth above my face. I heard the drills, though felt nothing. I was very grateful for the numbness. I knew I was bleeding from the tissues the hygienist used to wipe my mouth. I have sensitive gums, numb or not.
Despite the freezing, I could feel a throbbing deep inside the beds of the roots of the four teeth. A pulse. I closed my eyes and exhaled into the back of my ribs against the chair. I am still a six-year-old child who wants to hold someone's hand for such events.
Are you ok? The dentist kept repeating. I'd blink and smile with my eyes. I was not ok, but telling her this would not do anything. I wanted her to focus on my mouth, not my mood.
My entire body was tense. I kept clenching and unclenching my fists. I'd try to relax each time I noticed how tight my muscles had become. I focused my mind on the Tryambakam Mantra. The Death Defying Mantra to Shiva.
Om tryambakam yajaamahe sugandhim pushti-vardhanam. urvaarukam iva bandhanaan mrityormukshiiya maamritaat.
It helped a lot.
Why do we pray to God when experiencing effortful or painful ordeals? God cannot help us; God will not save us. God cannot absolve us from pain or make things better.
I hoped that the woman organizing my teeth was well-educated. I hoped she slept enough, ate breakfast, and felt calm to perform her work.
I hoped the two assistants were also grounded and prepared to focus on their role in aiding the dentist. One hygienist passed the tools and vacuumed the inside of my mouth as the dentist worked. The other was responsible for molding my two new fake front teeth once the root canals were completed. The veneers were set, and I get the new crowns in two days. So artificial teeth were created and I will have to go through the painful process of having them broken in my mouth once more.
I hated that part more than anything. I will not be frozen for my next appointment, either. In one way, I am glad, because I was numb for seven hours! My entire face ached and the gums of the teeth throbbed as I regained sensation.
The point I considered for the duration of the appointment was this: Shouldn't we be strengthening the education and organization of humanity, so we can each contribute to the community in our roles with more awareness and refined skills?
Why pray to a God we cannot see? God was not in my mouth sculpting the veneers to align with the rest of my teeth. God was not responsible for checking the color of my crowns against the rest of the teeth. God was not holding the metal plate that took the impression of the mouthguard I must wear so my teeth don't move. Because of my underbite, the top incisor on the left keeps going a bit crooked. The dentist recommended a mouth guard at night to prevent this from occurring again.
I had no idea how prominent my underbite was until this procedure! The fake teeth the hygenist shaped between the veneers were shorter than my teeth. The longer tooth hid my underbite. The short teeth accentuate the length of my bottom jaw.
I am not fussed about this fact. I've never been too ruffled about the underbite. I like my face. I am happy with the length of my jaw. I have a strong jawline.
One dentist promised me acute cheekbones (like Kate Moss) and a full upper lip if I let him break the upper palate and move it forward. He'd also shave off a bit of the bone under each ear to move my lower jaw back. Your bite would be perfect, he'd said.
Instead of asking for a God to provide for us, we should be strengthening the skill of people to uphold the morals, values, duties, and beauties we value as a society. We should be educating children to learn how to critically examine themselves and the world around them. We should be teaching people how to handle adversity and solve problems.
There should be a movement toward resilience and creativity. There should be an emphasis on caring for ourselves and each other, so we can align and contribute to the greater good.
Why offload to a person we never get to interact with? What about accountability? What about communal support? What about sharing our resources and knowledge and strengths?
I felt good as soon as I entered this dental office. Intuitively, I knew I would be safe getting my work done in this space because it is an intimate experience. I don't want just anyone scraping and digging around in my mouth.
The dentist made the best choice for me; she did not choose what would make the clinic the most money.
So, the question I have today is this: how to spread the wealth of resources I have to others? My gift, one of them is my ability to read and synthesize information. How to give this to people? Through my writing of course and storytelling. For Clara, her medium is yoga. For Georgina, it is working with organizations and individuals to discover their message. For Stephen West, it is his podcast. For E, it is football.
I must write. It is my dharma. It is where I feel the most connected to the Truth, the essence of mySelf that is linked to everyone else.
What is God? That subtle voice within; that throbbing in my mouth even when I am numb. It is the lifeline that propels me forward. I can feel even when frozen, and the sensation is a steady pulse that reminds me: I Am Alive and something is whirling through me with the steadiness of the wind.
The evenings are so hot, the breeze is warm, and the branches keep rap-rap-rapping at the window. The mosquito never left and my legs are red with small bites. E has gone for a week and I am grateful. It will allow me to focus on my stories.
He kissed me three times today (it is usually two) and looked at me for a long time before stepping out the door. He is constantly moving, putting things in place just outside of my reach. It is a skill and a strategy. He is good at it. He had good training.
Photo source.
