dokuz
What happens when you live your life in the same preplanned way as everyone else?
I've been questioning my daily responsibilities and roles; how I spend my time, and what my actions are creating. I want to know what I am building and how my day-to-day sharing of personal reflections and observations informs my current situation.
The present is an accumulation of what was, what is, and what could be. There is no separating the past from this moment; the future is right now in each breath I take. The future is shaped by the clack-clack-clack of my fingers on the keyboard. Not because what I write will be witnessed by many people or because what I have to say is so important that it will be captured and spread via social media. My writing informs the future because it is my way of expressing who and what I am now. I capture the past and the present through this contemplative experience of writing about what goes on in my world each day.
Here I am, drinking an almond latte that I made on the gas-top stove. I'm sitting on the floor in the Kadikoy apartment I have rented until September 12th. It is early in the morning. The sun is not so high, yet it is already hot. It will be too much by midday. I have a fridge full of figs and grapes and apples. Summer fruit reminds me of Olive, Uma, and Elle. I used to buy bags of cherries and rounds of cheese and we'd go swimming and snack as we dried ourselves in the sun.
Clara called before she went to bed and as we spoke, I did the laundry and made a chickpea and veggie salad with the sharp cheddar cheese and lots of oil.
It is relevant for me to record these events. One day, things will change. One day, I will not have the luxury of such a timeline. One day, I will not remember these simple gestures that made me feel very full and happy.
I am learning new things about my body. It may be age. It may be hormones. It may be overthinking. It may be loneliness. Whatever the root cause, it doesn't matter. The important thing is to identify the symptoms of the stress and treat the experience like a science project. I am wearing my lab coat and goggles for this.
First Observation:
I feel better when I go to bed around 10pm and wake up between 5-6am. When I go to bed late, closer to midnight, I sleep in later. My stomach is upset when I do this. I feel nauseous; I cannot eat.
Second Observation:
It is good for my digestion to eat basic foods. Low acidity. Less dairy; I make my morning coffee with oat milk. Almonds in small quantities are ok. Tomatoes in small amounts are ok. I have hot water with lemon and a bit of honey when I wake up and digest it while I tidy and do my energy work. Then I prepare my coffee.
Third Observation:
Smaller meals in higher frequency are better for me. If I eat too much in one sitting, I feel sick. I get a bit dizzy when I'm too hungry, and then I forget to eat and feel manic.
Fourth Observation:
I need to make more time to digest. Experiences and food. I do this before bed with my hands on my belly. I need to do this, like a purge/processing. Like clearing the cache on the laptop.
These observations are for right now and will not be forever. It is very hot in Istanbul and this also affects how I feel. I've had many (minor) mental anguishes and the energy work helps keep the angst in perspective. If I feel powerless, I clean. The apartment or my body. It feels good to scrub my skin. It feels great to have a bath and rinse my hair. Bathing is a luxury and I am grateful for every moment I have in the bathtub. Not many homes have a tub. The man at this place had this one put in, special. He wanted it. I understand why. Soaking is such a wonderful way to absorb and release. I don't think about anything when I'm in the tub. I close my eyes and allow myself to drift. I listen to the water slushing in the basin. I stick my feet up the wall because I am too long. I enjoy the contrast of heat on my body and face and cold on my legs and toes.
To return to my original question, what happens when you live your life in the same preplanned way as everyone else?
I feel a little bit sick in certain circumstances if I follow the flow of whatever is going on around me—my body rebels. I have spent over two decades feeling like this, with different intensities and variables affecting my feelings.
I am attempting to understand what I feel, why I feel what I feel, how I can manage it and maintain homeostasis, and what I can do to set myself up for success.
It is not a complicated system, however; it is a system that must be devised for the individual. Each person is unique in their needs and desires; how can one method treat the whole?
I've been feeling guilty about not doing enough. I am not working this month, and my time has been spent doing the things I love. I am not producing anything, and there is a small piece of me rattling the chains, yelling: you're not using your gift! What are you doing for those around you??
Every day, I read and write, listen to a philosophy podcast, do energy work and physical exercise, cook something nutritious, visit the cats and give them lots of love, walk or cycle by the sea, and sometimes go to a cafe or see my friends. This is enough for me right now. I need this time to rest and reflect on where I will place myself.
Georgina asked me where my work will take root. I don't know. When I finally have a book I am happy with and confident in, I will pay an editor and self-publish. As for my role as a yoga teacher and energy practitioner, I don't know. This is unclear to me, and I will wait and be in the discovery process.
To be part of the immanent process of life is to stay open to all the options and experiences. Go with the flow, let things go, AND devise your own system of being in the world. We are all contributing, and we each get to choose how we show up in the world.
To be in my own process, I need to put out the little voice that claims I am out of sync with the rest of the world. I am not on social media, I am resisting the use of AI to inform my writing, and in my current social context, I am the only one who wants to be in my home at 9pm. Kadikoy bursts with life at this time! The cafes, bars, restaurants, shops, and streets are full. It is cooler and late summer, and people are boasting their frilly outfits and fancy shoes. Part of me yearns to be part of it.
I could put on my ruffled dress and wedges and attend concerts and clubs. I have invitations, but I don’t want to. I’d rather read my book on the floor with my yoga blocks supporting my shoulders and head. When I step back to watch who I am, this person prefers organized activities by day and quiet time to reflect in the evening. It is dark earlier, and my body is tired. I am aligned with the sun. I hear the birds at 5am before my alarm sounds.
I am designing a life for myself that will change when I leave Istanbul. I am witnessing how my habits inform how I feel, and tailoring my day-to-day based on what I discover.
What are the conditions that allow me to create the best work?
My next question. Stay tuned.
Photo source.
