merhaba
I want to bicker with someone. I want to get into it with a person who disagrees with me. I enjoy the banter. I enjoy conflict when it is constructive. I like to be pushed. I like the provocation.
erasing the past has been my whole point this year. I have changed everything about myself. it is possible to change your inner nexus of being. to break the webbing and construct a new home. the black widow hunts. I tore everything down and am rebuilding. it is not comfortable, this space, though I have never felt more robust! I feel so connected to that wriggly thing inside of me.
when I press my palms to the earth in a down dog, I feel things moving beneath me. it's occurring inside of my body though it feels as if it is the ground.
the seeds snapping in the pan are burnt. i cut the green peppers into tiny slivers and mixed them with oil and salt. dicing the onions made me cry. i cried a lot yesterday. it is so hot and the sticky stuff inside of me is melting. i lather myself in unscented lotion - avocado cream. it's green and cold on my skin.
once the onions and peppers were a bit dark, i added the carrots. a few minutes for the carrots to settle, and then i added the zucchini, red pepper, and peas. i added a bit more oil and placed the lid over the pan. I wanted the vegetables to soften before i grilled them over the blue flame.
am i a difficult person to be around? sometimes i think that i am.
yesterday, in yoga, i was partnered with a woman i've seen several times. she is warm and her green eyes sparkle. she is in her fifties i think. she has short auburn hair she ties back with a dark elastic at the nape of her neck.
i said hello in Turkish, merhaba, and she welcomed me. we supported each other with inversion and heart-opening postures.
you are so open, she said when i took wheel pose.
i attract what i have based on a feeling; it is embodied, not a thought-thing. you will get used to whatever you do repeatedly. i need to root more. in press handstand and forearm stand, i fall each time. i am not anchored. at a certain point, my body folds. i can hover my feet from the ground and need support to extend my legs upright. once i am upside down, i can sustain this posture. i have done it many times. the descent is more challenging than the rising. this is when i crumble and the pose comes undone. it looks sloppy, the exit.
the woman yesterday assisted me. she held my waist. she had me, and i trusted her. she had done it many times and her focus was firm. not like the young woman from the other day. she did not have me; her focus was elsewhere. she did not know how or where to hold her attention, so how could i ask her to keep it on me while she was assisting? she dropped me, of course, and as i came down, i tucked and rolled. i learned how to fall in my Aikido classes that i took in Flagstaff springtime last year.
the focus of Aikido is how to work with your opponent's energy. you never resist because it takes too much energy. you receive and accept what is coming towards you and use the force behind the motion to make your next move. you enhance your power with what the other person brings. if someone reaches out to hit you, you move with it instead of blocking the punch. you would asses the angle of the arm, the direction of the palm, the person's stance, and how best to position yourself to use your opponent's momentum.
work with rather than against.
i do not know how to be in a relationship. it was so clear and straightforward in the past because i was a different person. i have to negotiate now on new terms - the question is not the same.
it is not a matter of how much you love; it is a matter of timing and what you are willing to sacrifice.
it is the bravest act to open yourself to the desire and demands of another person. i am wide open as the dark brown door with the silver lock and latch. the wind gusts through the room and carries the song of the one crow on the rooftop. a guttural sound that reminds me of choking. i wish the cats would do something about it. raining black feathers.
the home still smells like dog no matter how much Palo Santo i burn, and the ginger cat has wandered a little further into the hallway. each time it comes, it takes a few more wee steps. it's eyes are green as the middle of the sea. its stripes as white as those clouds that never grace the sky.
it has been hot for days and i lay in a pool of my sweat on the floor where i wiped the wood clean with wet towels. i write in the morning, edit it in the evening, and take a yoga class at midday. it is the hours no one accounts for that make me most uncomfortable. what is there to do at four pm when the sun has not quite begun its descent? what is there to do at ten pm when the moon is bright though the breeze is warm and opening the balcony does nothing to cool my face and feet?
i sleep in the same dress i've had for a year. orange though now it looks pink my skin is so tanned. funny how it looks different because i do though the color of the garment has not been altered by anything than a softening from frequent washing.
if i feel a bit slackened it is from lack of sleep. my face feels tight and i know my bones are poking out a little more than they used to. i can handle the truth, my word for this month is acceptance.
take things as they come. i will not manipulate what i hear or try to change those around me. i have done this with my relationships in the past and it did not work out.
letting go means being honest about your fears and acknowledging the parts of yourself you do not want to look at. i've been dreaming about a white fridge and when i open it, it is full of feces.
the most important part of dream analysis is to focus on what you felt in the dream.
when i open the fridge and see the feces, i am not surprised. the sensation is calm and composed. i am not fussed or disgusted by it. the refrigerator is so cold everything in it is frozen, so i pick up the pile of poop with a plastic bag and take it to the trash bin outside. i am unfazed by my discovery and i deal with it as soon as i find it.
i've taken this dream to symbolize my approach to life. deal with i
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