virago
“My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am.”
i am still looking outward for gratification. validation. and reassurance.
i have not dropped down into my gut to feel for the next step that is best for me.
i do not listen as attentively to my body as i could be.
i will make time to listen.
this looks like early morning meditation. alone. before sunrise. i will wake up every day and simply sit and see what arises. if someone calls, i will answer. i cannot seek for the thing if i know what the thing is.
that is the thing about seeking- you don't always know what you are looking for.
i am moving beyond the scope of my current comprehension. something inside of me is twisting and taking form. too slow; it moves too slowly for me to feel free or comfortable.
what is it to be free?
do i need to be comforted by my life?
i need to surrender. i need to stop micromanaging my life and let go to really open and listen to what my next step will become. nothing has felt more real and significant than this very moment. I am more alive in this knowing and private suffering than i have ever been!
it is delicious and exhilarating to recognize the shadow that i've been holding on a very close leash. all the projections i cast on others is merely a means of protecting that girl.
the girl i needed at some point, to protect me.
i left vancouver, my home, to strengthen my heart. i do not need to protect it. i can let that girl off the leash to run wild with the thunderstorm and roll in the lashes of lightning.
i do not need to take cover before the rain.
i am the rain.
Photo source.
