cordolium
“How should I kill in me the various forms of madness and be at the same time tender and lucid, creative and patient, and survive?”
Go with what you feel. The feeling is freedom; it is taking ownership of your emotions and actions. It is accountability for what you stand for. It is an acknowledgment of your intentions.
The impetus to act comes from feeling.
I learn and am at my clearest when I am aching. I am living an open wound right now; the pang dismantles everything I thought I knew about myself.
Who am I without a family, community, and home?
What am I if not attached to another person?
The animal I've kept secreted in the crevasse is climbing; she grows stronger and more bold each time I am wounded.
I love her.
The biggest difference in the woman I meet today versus the girl I was yesterday is the attention I bring to subjects of my heart. I needn't busy myself with trivial details to forgo the feeling of uncertainty. I do not need to pretend to be someone I am not to fit in. I needn't stay silent to avoid upsetting the situation.
I will sit in the stillness of uncertainty. Morning meditation is my new ritual. I will sit until Joe appears to whisper into my skin.
Where do I go from here, Joe?
Sleep is the only reassurance I have and the straps on my silk dress snapped. Somewhere, I was drowning and the latch broke. I waded through a steam room with women who sat at the edge of the pools and shaved their legs. I have never met Abderrahman's mother and now I see that he was never going to let me into that world.
Photo source.
