apricate
“How should I kill in me the various forms of madness and be at the same time tender and lucid, creative and patient, and survive?”
Just a note to say that I am over here and doing well. I’ve been preparing myself lattes and listening to Heather Woods Broderick. I’m writing in first person because it feels more honest, though I must admit I care less about myself and more about the characters who greet me inside and all around. In the Zoom calls, my face is red, but I am not angry. It’s the sunlight pouring through the orange curtains.
Stories are how we learn. I don’t care about the validity of each piece- the meaning is in the message and the facts needn’t be true if they touch someone in a way that sparks curiosity. Life begins when we open and receive, accept and adapt, and surrender to what it is. I can hear my good friend Clara playing devil's advocate; we need to kick back and mustn’t tolerate the unjust.
Counterbalance is a tendency I am playing with, this idea of putting weight on the weaker side to maintain equilibrium. This looks like more strengthening activities in my body because I am very flexible. I once worked with a pilates instructor who said I must do a lot of boundary work with my therapist. She was correct, and I asked her how she knew. I think her name was Monica, and I am also sure this is not her name.
She said I had a lot of movement in my spine. She asked me to walk back and forth in the small room with my top off to assess the length of my gait and spinal column. Mirrors adorned the walls and I watched myself taking small steps in bare feet; this little woman with dark hair and crooked teeth. This is how I appear to myself.
I ask questions to reconcile what I do not know. I can see the world like the ocean, rolling forwards and back. Supporting swimmers and surfers and concealing spongy bits and seaweeds. I am most comfortable by the sea and I feel it's because I spent so much time swimming with my sisters as a child. My heart is in the ocean, owing to my psyche developing alongside my siblings. Playful and precocious, I have not changed.
This will be one of my final blogs until December. I am stepping away from my abstract musings, my abundant prose that catches and reveals my current state. I am on the beam, a wanderer of this realm and witness to the inherent paradoxes that make me all I Am.
Photo source.
