refrain
I have woken early to listen to the rooster call and the birds peep. The dogs bark until midnight. Aside from the animals, the location is tranquil. I am in the city, Piniheros, in an apartment with a view of the mountains and pink sky as the sun rises.
It is a season of second chances.
Of repetition and refrain.
Repitition: I am returning to the places, incidents, and conversations for a second time. This second go-around feels comforting because it feels familiar. I doubt myself a little less because I have been here before.
Refrain: a repeated line in music, also the pause of doing something. It is a paradox: one says keep doing the other says pause.
Here is the list of all the events I am going through for a second time:
I am in Brazil, Sao Paulo. It is a different city, the same country, and the same cycle of the year. It is winter, and it rains all day. It is grey and warm, stormy, and typical of the tropics.
I am with E. Technically, I was always with E, though we did not speak for a few weeks in December. He enters what I've termed 'dark mode,' where he energetically pulls away. He called me when he was with Cigdem and Muge, the women he courted in my absence.
I will return to Turkey in one month.
I've confirmed my permit application for the second time and contacted F and M about the notary. They will help me apply for permanent residency in Antalya again.
I am debating pilates training. I was in Rio the last time I sent the application. The dates did not work with Clara's retreat in Baja. The dates work for me this year, though the training is in Switzerland and will require greater effort to get there.
My work with Clara has shifted so that I perform tasks similar to those I was responsible for when I started working with her in 2029.
Ramadan is in one month, and I am preparing my body and mind for this experience.
I have changed, so these encounters are unique to where I was one year ago. However, this fact does not stop me from wondering about the repitition. Why am I going through so many of the same events in succession? Some things are constant, such as Ramadan, though the direction my life has taken is similar to where I have already been.
Georgina recently told me that when you ask the 'why' of a thing, you judge it. You are trying to assume control through the understanding. Why opens up a whole dialogue of the construct and character.
Instead of asking why, because I did get stuck there for a little while, I am asking how.
How will I move through these events this time around?
How can I act with more ease and grace as I negotiate difficult decisions and situations?
How will I express gratitude to those who help me?
How will I create lines of leadership to express my work and timelines best?
How can I do what is appropriate for me while including the efforts of others affected?
For a reason unknown to me at this moment, the universe has created a very similar pattern, and I am walking through it.
I've been reflecting on the woman I was last year in Brazil. She was smaller in her energy field, blonder, and perhaps bolder owing to her naive.
Last year, I flew so high on the wings of love! I was breathless by it.
This year, I am more grounded, intuitive, and patient. Owing to the Kundalini, my energy field is brighter.
I have been chanting to Ganesha, Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha.
The Remover of Obstacles and Lord of New Beginnings, Ganesha is a trickster and also places obstacles on your path for you to overcome.
E keeps telling me to make decisions that are best for me. He never speaks his heart. I cannot trust what he says because of this lack of clarity. It is maddening. Most people are like this. I feel it: the inversion, the duplicity, and the disconnect.
He asked me to come to Turkey before my current flight date. If I don't go, I will put a small barrier between us. If I do go, I will submit to his wishes.
There are subtle contracts imbued in each interaction.
It is ignorant to think otherwise.
I am consious of power dynamics and the ripples in relationships. I feel it is partially my age. I am thirty-six, and my subtle senses are much stronger with all the practice and study of yoga.
I was always this way; even as a child, my sensitivities were heightened. However, I did not understand my feelings or what to do with them. I kept everything inside and eventually erupted. Through my devotion and discipline, I am learning how to work with what I feel and relate to the word through my deeper sense of self: my intuitive body.
I brought this to Georgina in our last session:
While in meditation - I will call it this because it is relatable, though my meditation is a mix of reiki and mantra - I was immersed in the idea that the questions do not matter.
The answers are right in front of you.
I have lived the last decade with the invocation of unlocking all the secrets with a single question. It is all about what you ask when you ask it and how you frame it. And, to whom you bring your inquiries - always consider the source.
That was my method of understanding myself, people, and my environment.
The recognition that simmered and burst inside me was that there are no questions to be asked; what you seek is in front of you. It is all about your perception, level of awareness, and ability to step out of the ego framework.
The ego clings and creates a story, so listen to the song of the heart. It is pure, precise, and true.
When I brought this to Georgina, she said that questions are intriguing because they illuminate where the person is at in their own process. Whatever is asked points to where they are focused.
E keeps asking when I will return to Turkey and then inverts the question by saying I should come when it is appropriate for me. Don't come back for me, he says; come as you would without me.
I meditate to listen to my heart song because, without it, I am like the little birds who get trapped in the trees when the wind is high.
Is there a fox waiting below? Perhaps. Sentient beings feel when the predator is closeby. On my evening walks, I can sense when it is time to cross the street or turn back to my home.
Twilight is magic in the jungle. Everything is damp and dusted by shadows.
So, back to the repitition and refrain.
Knowing what lies ahead as I walk the path trodden by my footprints, how can I engage awareness to invoke a heightened sense of accountability?
I am focused on the permit this time. My goals were not clear before, and I feel this is why I failed to achieve permanent residency.
I am saying goodbye to Brazil. I will not be back after this visit.
I will commit to the training and establish my work routine while away to have the proper means to cover my expenses. It is another opportunity to study and may not be available to me again. A door has opened.
In my work with Clara, I have more clarity and knowledge of where to hold my focus. The previous cycle I was following. Now, I am leading. We have tried many different things to build community and educate our members, and we have gone back to some of the same tactics we employed two years ago.
Sometimes, you need to leave and return to understand where you've been and where you want to go.
Photo source.
