lubov
“The body of appearance reflects like a mirror the dominant throughts you have held in mind. If you have held that you are ignorant and dull, or that you are subject to materiality and prone to evil, or that you are impure in your origin and in your living, these thoughts are reflected in like pictures upon this body of appearance.”
Dear Anias,
All of my comforts are being dismantled. As soon as I establish a routine, something slips and comes undone. I am not connected to the sun's cycle. I wake up late and go to bed even later. My dinner was at midnight the last three days. I've dined alone.
Abderrahmane asked me where I wanted to live and I said that I did not care. I simply seek to write and speak to what I now see as GOD or the Goddess or whatever you want to call it.
In meditation yesterday, I stared at a portrait of circles colored red, blue, gold, and green. The shapes from the portrait left the four wooden rungs and came into me. I set my breath deeper into my lungs and when I brought it up, it tasted effervescent. The room began to hum with the sound of my heart and everything blurred.
Vibration is all we are; there is no such thing as space. I entered the shapes and they entered me and I could taste their vibration as each entered my body. The small red was the hardest. The gold and blue matched my body and passed through me easily. The red hovered in front of my eyes for some time. Floating.
The Myth of Matter, Anias.
What is form?
If force gives context to form, I have never informed anything so far in my short-lived life.
I do not know my willpower.
My heart is the most resilient, and my solar plexus emits far less energy. I spent too many years disrupting my belly's flow. I do not feel connnected at my navel.
I dreamt of Jackson last night. He was wearing a grey shirt and yellow sweater and walked and pointed at things. He was in the forest walking and his diaper needed to be changed. He waited for me and when I arrived, he hugged me.
I had been chasing someone else; I went forward thinking this was the direction to avoid missing something important. I should have gone back, but that was impossible, given the choice I had to make.
The door I went through was closed by clay and a woman told me I could not go through it anymore.
I climbed a high rope, hung upside down, and met a group of women sitting at a table drinking a fizzy caramel-colored drink from small glasses with ice cubes at the center.
Amanda was there and didn't make eye contact with me.
I feel so alone and understand that I will always feel this if I do not develop my ways of thinking. I must reframe my surroundings and redefine the context.
My body feels great. Strong and purposeful. Lots of side-body stretching and hamstring strengthening. I have been doing two hours of yoga daily since my time in Paris with Clara.
I am creating space in my body to match what's occurring in my mind.
I do not know where I want to end up. I don't feel a strong connection to the place. I feel an affinity for ritual; the little fixtures of my day I turn like the knob of a door to enter a portal to some other mystical location. The spaces I'd rather be. I get a glimpse of the person I'd like to become when I am there.
This is a month of cultivation. Of submitting myself to that greater than 'I' concept. Surrender is interchangeable with suffering; I grieve the loss of who I am.
I want to be in love! I want to be lighted by hope! I want to be lifted into the wings of the world and carry on, carry on laughing! My tumble downward will be as graceful as a bird drafting in the wind.
Those who drift are not lost. They are good at concealing their goals.
What is my goal right now you ask?
I have no goals.
I want to meet God. I want to hear Their Voice in my body. I want to feel pulled in a single-pointed direction. I want purpose. I want validation! I want reassurance!
How can I act if I do not know the source of which I act from?
I can feel the intentions of those around me. I understand the texture and echo of each well as I go down with the person into the cave of disenchantment. It is a cave because of the shadows and light; the interplay of wonder. The cleaving of worlds.
Reality is the dream and my only aspiration has been to touch as many as humanly possible! I am so greedy for life!
I understand now that the moving and shaking and traveling and upheaval and dancing and DESIRE is merely a coat on this pilgramage.
I have too many pairs of jeans. I've packed one coat and feel much lighter.
Is that the ultimate goal in life- to hold things lightly and move freely? It is for me at the moment. I am unlearning. I've put down the items that I no longer want. Need is such a silly concept. I don't need anything! My worst fears have come true.
Not being connected via the internet. Not having enough money. Not being seen by those I love. Not being listened and being misunderstood. Not feeling like myself.
And who is this self? They are constantly being recreated. There is no outer self, just the shell I choose to decorate.
Today I am wearing peacock green lace with a frilly collar and puffed sleeves. I feel decadent. I feel like a metaphor of desire and no one can touch me! Not even ME!
I am waiting on God, as my dear friend Simone Weil would say. I read her book and I cannot remember anything. This is an opportunity to find my own words. What is God? Where is God? Why won't They come to speak with me?
I sat for hours yesterday. I waited. I listened to my breath. I watched the moving shapes. I felt my being become so bloated and vast there was no room between my shoulder blades and the walls.
I miss the cats, Anias. I miss the cats that consume the streets of Morocco! I am lonely here and it's not because Clara left or Abderrahmane is so far away. It's because there are no felines to scratch when I go for a midday walk. I miss the white one with the torn-off tail and the sleepy eyes. I miss the striped grey one who curls into a small puff and tucks its nose between its paws. I miss the orange one with the pointed teeth that hisses at me no matter how many times I kneel to let it sniff my palm.
I miss that routine. I am ready to settle in one spot and I don't know where that place will be. I was using Abderrahmane as an anchor. He is so far away physically and even more so energetically. I cannot touch him through my emotional body. There are no blockages. He is on a very different path than I am and no words or reiki can pull us together.
I don't care to speak with him on the phone. What will that do? I know I am IN IT with someone, or I am NOT IN IT with someone and a phone call doesn't create a consious connection.
When the shapes came down from the portrait, the red one presented me with an image. I know him from a past life. It has nothing to do with moving forward. It has everything to do with the past and what is behind. In another time. In another place. I have to let go of all of it. I am scared, Anias. I do not understand what is happening to me.
Photo source.
