ineluctable
“Try to keep your soul young and quivering right up to old age.”
Dear Anias,
What little wisdom I leave on the page is all I have. My treasures are simply ideas. I laugh at everything! No matter how serious. It is a gift to see the world in this lightness and also a bit cruel. I have a fantastic gift of levity inside of me. Not much unsettles me when I am well-rested and fed. Fatigue is the ghoul that festers and causes me to become impatient. Am I a greedy person? I keep asking myself this question. I drink two coffees in the morning with more cream than caffeine.
If I were a chocolate it would be fudge without the fizziness of the crinkly toffees coated with crispy rice crust! Like fudge, gooey and messy and you just need a little spoonful to feel sated! I love the first bite of such treats when the teeth split the skin. I am not that hard. I prefer to suck on the candy until it melts on my tongue.
The cookies I purchase from the cafe are very sugary and warm. They remind me of my grandmother's baking and of being a child. I sometimes wish for that sensation of love, being so little and leaning into another being for support. I do not act like that anymore, and so the love has changed.
Love must transform, Anias, just as the plants performing on this long table where I write. I use performance as the verb because they reach out to me- I feel them spying as I clack away on the computer.
What a joy and a tire it must have been to use a typewriter! How heavy the keys must have felt beneath each fingertip.
I amuse myself by wondering at all the ways I have expressed love. I fling myself into the webbing and don't worry about where I land. There is one small spider in my room on the ceiling. No web to catch its food. It's been there for three days and I know it is alive because it moves, every so slightly, by the hour! It crawled from the doorway to the window. It's a small brown dot over my bed.
I used it to meditate yesterday evening. What a bore it is to reach out to God and ask questions. My mind is far more entertaining! And misleading. Damn intellect, causing corruption for the sake of spinning stories.
I am sick of myself, Anias. The only way out is to divine something new.
I've used love as a distraction. I've moved from intellect to emotions, and now I am pushing deeper into that quiet abyss where no one can touch or hold me.
I do not want to be held. I can uphold myself. I couldn't for some time. I needed structure and support. I am learning how to lean on my ideals and rely on my effort to pave the path. I do not know where I will live in a few months and a year ago, that notion would have driven me into desperation! Now, I don't care. I believe something will appear to receive me. I am sick of planning and preparing. I want God to drive.
Photo source.
