holophrasis
“We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.”
It is a damp day. I smell like a pear. I rubbed my legs with lotion this morning, a thick yellow goo I purchased at the pharmacy. My feet felt like sandpaper from the beach. I typically massage my limbs before bed. I like to massage the sole of each foot with a blue rubber ball. I used to have three balls in different sizes. Two are on the boat Greg left on Bowen.
I was too tipsy last night and forgot to hydrate my skin. I drank three glasses of water and lit the incense. I took out my contacts and hung my skirt in the closet. I left my shoes by the bed and slept naked. I drank small glasses of amaretto all evening. One of the girls did my eyes in silver glitter at the bar. The group arrived, and each procured their own small satchel with eye shadow and blush. I couldn't understand why everyone did their makeup at the restaurant until I realized it was likely unacceptable to dress up in such a fashion in their homes.
The only time I was ever scolded for wearing something my parents deemed inappropriate was when I borrowed a friend's tight black dress. I was ten, and the dress was so short you could see my underwear at the crotch.
Were my parents correct in telling me how to dress? I did not understand the implications of my outfit at such a tender age. I did not know how others would see me in such a revealing outfit. I did not have such thoughts at that age. If I'd known, would I have cared?
This is one of the questions I have had of Abderrahmane. He did not understand what was implied by what he said to me. I don't think he comprehends the full extent of his actions. I am not condemning him; I don't fully grasp everything I say or do- I am just beginning to understand the extravagant nature of my thoughts!
I enjoy getting drunk. I am more honest with myself. During the event and afterward. I feel more clear today than I have in weeks. The last time I had a glass of wine was with Clara in Paris, and we sat in a small bar and dished. We talked about our lovers- past affairs and current conditions. I was not with Abderrahmane, and I don't remember mentioning him. I'd driven him to exile in my body at that point. We hadn't made love in a month, and that is how I connect with the person I'm in a relationship with. I am a very monogamous person in some ways, and in other ways, I'm not.
Things are not complicated. We make them that way.
Simple is better. Why create a maze when you can run straight through the field to the other side? I want to see what's at the edge of where I've already been. I want to fling myself over the cliff. I don't want to spend my time going back and forth, dallying between this and that. This is that, and that is this, and I've already done those things. What is past this and that?
I feel a bit sick today, and it's my own fault. I cannot recall how many mini amarettos I drank. Two at Sopra Sotto, the little Italian bar where the girls smoked on the black leather couches, and I ate some small cheese balls dipped in a white sauce and a piece of something a little bit like quiche. I am not really eating animal products right now. I say this as I sip a latte with milk. I have foam on my lip and cream cheese on my tongue. What a delight it is to be both things at the same time!
I change my mind too often and execute the things that actually matter. What is important never changes; love.
There is a woman in a white linen dress with short black hair and red lipstick, and she is lovely. She is sitting beside me, and her gold earrings swing back and forth as she taps her cigarette over the glass tray.
I love women. I love how decadent we are! I love the lavishness of it- skirts and short hair. The woman to my left has long curls and green cargo pants with holes at the thighs. She is less feminine, though, so soft with dark eyes and that feral mane at her shoulders!
I am wearing a romper tucked into a pair of shorts that extend to my knee. I'm braless with a green chemise and dangly crystal earrings that match my crystal ring.
You know, I knew it was finished when Abderrahmane told me he had lost the crystal necklace I gave him. Carelessness is always a sign of waning affection. I am more considerate of the things I love.
I removed the red bracelet his family gave me- the one with the gold beads. I left it in the wooden dresser with my necklace that read Stephanie. I am not that person anymore! HA.
It is a treat to realize that the only thing standing between me and everything else is me! I am this thing, and also that thing and the stuff that comes after is the third way.
I listened to a podcast the other day; I can't recall who was speaking; it was about Tantra and how the two feed the one, and the one is the source that gives back to the two, and through the reciprocal relationship, the third is born! It is Shiva and Shakti, and I contain both energies. The whimsical and the wild.
Yes, I do feel a bit nauseous. I left the party at midnight and walked to a sushi bar, where I ordered a bowl of veggies with rice. There were cooked mushrooms and corn and noodles. It was delicious. I've been thinking about Japanese food all week and finally satiated that craving. Aida messaged me at six to check in, and she got home as I was waking up! It is so nice to have a female friend on the road. I have had very few in the past year, though my few have been strong.
Josie, my dear darling Josephine Valentine. She was my bestie this time last year, and we'd go to yoga and then for pizza at the bistro around the corner. It was always very busy, and we'd sit outside by the train tracks, sip our wine, and pick at the prosciutto and arugula salad we ordered as an appetizer.
I had to carry my bike upstairs when I got home, and the door got stuck, and it was a bit complicated with me in my heels half-tossed! Yas left me a teapot with two dishtowels, and I was very grateful for it this morning when I brewed the tea. I turned the fridge on and put my bottle of wine in the freezer. I had two glasses of that before I left while I worked and talked to Clara. It's Italian and very dry. I bought it because it's a screw top. The apartments I've rented rarely have a bottle opener. I should really just purchase my own though I rarely drink, and it's one more thing to carry. However small, if you have many little things, they add up.
I'll have another glass or two tonight before we go dancing. Aida invited me to a techno party with electronic music, and I cannot wait to throw myself around a ballroom. I'm wearing flats this evening and perhaps a dress that flounces. I wish I had platform shoes. I do enjoy being a bit taller than I actually am.
There were many cute Moroccan men at the concert yesterday, though none were into me. I'm a bit pointed and sassy when drinking, so perhaps that's why. I don't care. I flirted and felt fabulous. My needs were met. It's fun to be so bold! I've always been this way when I'm out. This much has not been altered in my temperament.
When I was younger, I'd fling myself over the edge without looking. As a woman, I still fling through with more elegance. I'm learning to look, though. Who wants to analyze their surroundings and dissect their decisions?
One can spend their entire life worrying over the outcome. Should I think more? I ask too many questions and never wait for the answer. My ego was bruised three times this week. Clara. Mariko. Salima. I have good mentors. I am a dedicated student. This is why I never worry myself over the trivial details. I practice humility. My ego takes a beating, and for this reason, my heart is strong.
I am resilient and reckless! I know to check in with my guides before I go too far out.
It doesn't matter how far you travel as long as you are connected to the thing to get back. I no longer know where 'back' is; I have gone beyond what I once considered safe.
I am reborn as a woman who loves so dearly and deeply; she cares less for the trivial concerns between this and that. Instead of a need to belong, this woman desires to stretch her senses through convivial rapport AND conflict. Stephanie avoided the difficult discourse, preferring to read and internally wrestle with the final result.
Seraphina pronounces herself. I need to speak what I feel and state who I am.
Photo source.
