ağlamak
I spent the afternoon preparing and cleaning the home. I dusted the furniture and shelves. I swept and washed the floors. I scrubbed the toilet and the tub. I put away my make-up and bike. I cleared space in the kitchen and set up an area for us to eat in the living room.
I walked to the grocery store and purchased snacks and wine and beer. I bought figs, plums, apples, and soft cheese. I bought seed crackers and dark chocolate. I bought a bag of mixed nuts with cashews and almonds and hazelnuts. I bought a red wine, a cab sav, and four beers.
I wore a simple pair of yellow pants and a purple tank top with strappy shoulder pieces that kept sliding down. The black shirt I bought is the same ripped on one shoulder. I want to take it back; I doubt they will receive it. I did my hair in a ponytail and put on gold eyeliner. I dressed for the goddess. I chose my favorite pair of gold earrings and my crystal ring that I bought in Brazil. The one that matches Clara's.
Before their arrival, I did a kundalini class with Gurmuhk. During the class, I felt like I was going to puke. I kept pausing between the mudras and taking a child's pose. I felt so nauseous and sick to my stomach. I kept going. The thirty-minute exercise took me almost ninety minutes to complete.
One of the key phrases Gurmuhk repeats in the class is, "Not everyone is born with a heart and a brain."
The language of loving and understanding is more nuanced depending on the individual—the culture, religion, politics, and socio-economic background. I remember my phone call with Georgina when she first introduced me to this idea: that not everyone speaks from the heart.
They do not know the language. They do not know how to listen. They have not cultivated the compassion or the skills.
My only aspiration is to move from a place of integrity where I am grounded and feel good about my choices. I have been in this practice since I first met Georgina in 2018. It has been five years. I am grateful for this relationship.
Blockages result from ignorance, denial, and avoidance, how we process pain and refuse to acknowledge what is happening in our lives.
I am always curious about how I feel in different settings, how I think and what choices I will make depending on the circumstances. I am fascinated by the human experience and the behaviors that inform our relationships with ourselves, each other, and the environment.
As I took savasana after the kundalini course, I felt sick and suddenly had a very strong impression - that E was sleeping with the woman he was bringing me to meet. It hit me in the guts, where I was already very sensitive and attuned. I could see them together intimately. Rather, I could feel it; I had never seen this woman, so I could not envision it.
Two weeks ago I tried to break up with E and he fought for it.
I leave in six days.
Last week, on our call, Georgina told me I was the perfect ingénue. She said I would never be the wife, only a plaything for sex, because I am so open and free. It would be this way until I reconciled my wounds because I would keep drawing a specific archetype within a man.
I could not shower after my yoga class because they turned the water off all day in the home and it was a very dark yellow. I was carrying the energy, the weight of the impression of E and the woman, inside me as I tied back my hair, changed my clothes, and put on the glitter.
I waited. I stood at the back of the home where the leaves wave through the window. I like the big green trees in the back. They speak to me. I was still, though not calm. My heart was racing.
E and the woman arrived. Her name is Esra. She is older than me and wore all black (like E) with no makeup. She was timid; she had no strength, though E said they met running.
I later found out she does not run or exercise. She is a 'corporate woman' - these were her words, not mine.
She strode through my home with her shoes on, which is very rude, especially in Turkey. It is offensive for her to have shoes on inside of the house. Everyone wears slippers or sandals. Often, the host has extras for the guest to wear.
This was when I realized the intentions were not good between this woman and E, yet I did nothing about it.
I showed them the living room and offered food and drinks. She declined. E made himself comfortable, as he does. He poured himself a beer with lemon and as he placed it on the table, Esra reached for it and took a sip.
I will share with you, she said to him.
The way she was looking at him, I knew it. I could see it in her eyes. She loves him and they are intimate. I said nothing. I let the conversation make its way through the pleasantries. E sat beside me, so I was in the middle of the long couch. I took a glass of wine. Esra talked about her work and mentioned instances where E came to be with her.
We watch Netflix shows together.
Oh? When?
At night.
So he sleeps over?
Yes.
When was the last time you did this?
On Sunday, two days ago.
And you had sex.
Yes?
As she answered this last question, she looked at E. She was locked in on him and looked confused.
Sunday was the day E came over and I prepared sushi. All afternoon, I made four new rolls: spicy tuna, mango, beet, and avocado with crab. He came over, ate with me, then went to Esra's, watched Netflix, and slept over in her home. And made love to her.
He has never stayed the night with me and now I understand why.
I am a strong woman. Strong-willed. A bit impulsive, very impassioned, so when I heard this meek, Yes? I turned to E and told him to get the fuck out of my home.
I stood up, looked down at Esra, and told her to get out, too. She left without shoes because she came back knocking on the door.
I picked up E's things and threw them outside as Esra walked out. He kept grabbing me and telling me to relax.
When his belongings and Esra were outside, he shut the front door with us inside the apartment. He grabbed both of my wrists and kept talking - I don't know what he was saying - so I raised a foot and kicked him in the chest. Twice. With all my power. He let me go and I scratched his face with one hand. There were long gashes on the left side of his cheek under his eye.
I am not proud of this behavior. I apologized later. At that moment, I was furious. He grabbed me, threw me on the floor, and dragged me down the hallway by my ponytail, still yelling and cursing. I kicked my legs out and pushed myself up by anchoring my heels on the bench in the hallway. I twisted free and lunged for his face with both hands.
That's when Esra returned to the door, she knocked and E answered and she got her shoes and they both left.
He was yelling that I was crazy, manyak, and that he was not a liar.
I thought I would cry after they'd gone, considering the shape of the evening. But I didn't. I layed on the floor, put my hands on my belly, and breathed for one hour, then called Clara. We laughed about how bold and stupid it is to set your lovers side by side like this. It's too rich. You cannot make this stuff up.
I texted E to apologize for kicking and scratching him. And for throwing him and Esra out like this. I owned my part in how the rupture occurred. He attached my character and said Esra lied to me because she was jealous. It doesn't matter, anyway.
I leave in six days.
I would do the same thing if I were him, in terms of having a bystander at home if my lover was leaving. While we were all sitting on the couch, he kept telling her that I would be returning and renting a home for one year.
I wonder if she knows we were together - E and I - the way we were. If she knows we were in a relationship.
They met six weeks ago. I met E nine weeks ago. So he would have stopped to chat her up while I was in Antalya. It makes sense. I understand.
I have not slept. I was up all night thinking about this situation. What led up to it, how it was built, how I acted, and how things were left. I sent them both, E and Esra, a lot of reiki and blessings.
I am so thankful to Esra for her courage to come over and meet me. I am grateful to have met her and got a snippet of the truth. I am sorry for throwing her out and acting so rashly in anger. I wish her well in her endeavors.
To E, I am grateful to have met him. In my weeks of dispute with the bank, he loaded my transit card and brought me food. He opened so many discussions and offered me insight into Turkish culture. I am thankful for this brief affair! It is so nice to have a lover and someone to play with. I am sorry for acting violently towards him and for provoking him. I wish him well.
Photo source.
