weltanschauung
“My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am.”
Dear Anias,
The question I am sitting with right now is how much do I adjust for another person? However, this person who told me they love me cannot be with me physically or long-term. Unless I am of Islam.
My dilemma is this: we have three months planned in Turkey together. He wants to camp the entire time, so we are not sharing the same bed. Because our souls are in danger and he cannot be with me in a sexual way as it is haram. This is what he said before I left for France.
I am questioning why I would want to spend three months with a person I love but cannot be with. Why put myself through this unnecessary pain? Why push myself into a keyhole that so obviously does not fit?
He has closed his heart to me, Anias. He has shut the doors, turned the key, and set it in a shallow pool of water where I cannot see it. It is hidden somewhere cold and dark; only he knows the location. I shifted my entire life to be with him. That was my choice, and now he has made his. Without me in it.
I could write that this keeps happening, that I continue to have a series of breakups with the people I love. It is true in one narrative. This time last year was my rupture with Zack. I did not want to be with him. I was over it and should have listened to my heart and said what I felt.
That same advice applies to where I am currently, though I am too in my head to feel what my body wills.
Last night I did yoga at midnight and danced under the waning moon. The skylight breathes cold air into the center of the living room where I practice. Upside down in sirsasana, my toes were cool and my torso warm. I love the inversion in my body and in the paradox.
My person is split in two; infinite awareness is not possible when I am halved like an apple at its core. When I was small, I thought swallowing the seeds would plant a tree in my belly. The idea delighted me. I loved the notion of something growing silently within my body. I did not think of what would occur if the tree were to take root.
A boy from my school said the branches would burst from your mouth. You would choke and die on the leaves.
I could have gone home and checked the statement with my mother or father. I didn't. Instead, I sat on the edge of the playground and examined the maple trees. Their red leaves shake with the wind.
That would be an ok way to die, I'd thought.
I was six.
When I look at the outer shell of my life and consider my actions, I've adjusted quite a bit of my extremities for lovers. I've moved. I've purged my belongings. I've worn certain clothes. I've selected particular shades and textures. I've stopped wearing makeup. I've cut my hair. I've researched and read the books that vested their interest. I've asked questions. I've met family members. I've toured and traveled to places that did not particularly tempt my curiosity.
My actions stemmed from a need to build a relationship. In order to do this, there must be a compromise. Collaboration. Understanding. Surrender.
I am adept at shapeshifting and adjusting my life in these ways to accommodate another person.
Regardless of how I tried and trusted on the outside, my inner world remained fixed. Something inside me tugs me to my own True North, a fixed Star that no one can move.
They've tried. Greg tried. Pascal tried. Frank tried.
All attempts were in vain. When the circumference around that point draws too close, and in a way that does not align with that deeper sense of Who I Am, something inside me rears up and kicks! Like a horse positioning itself to shoot one leg out and strike without directly looking!
I have great aim if there is a threat to my person.
I used to ask who that person was and what they hoped to become. I don't ask this question anymore. It's not that I know who I am and what I hope for; no, it is the recognition that this Thing was there before the outer layer of my person appeared! Stephanie is a ring around the light; the center is strong, stronger than the external influences, and connected to something much greater and deeper.
I did a water meditation with Paula Wise and she took me into the depths of the ocean where I saw a girl with blue hair suspended in the salt. Her eyes were closed though I knew the light inside the listless body was me. She hovered above the sand at the bottom of the sea. The cloth concealing her nakedness billowed outward. Everything was blue. The cloth, her skin, her nails, her teeth.
Imagine you are connected to this woman, Paula had said; imagine going down to where she is, and breathing. What do you feel?
I sent myself into the lungs of the lady in the water and felt for her heart. There was heat in her chest and I touched it. The stronger I blew, the hotter she became from the inside. I blew harder and harder and her body started floating upward. I felt something ripple. I exhaled and she opened her eyes. Her eyes were green as jade and glowing. I felt my heart shudder in my body and knew that the same sensation was also occurring inside her.
What do you feel, Paula asked.
I reached out and took the girl's hand. We threaded our fingers together and pressed the center of each palm into each other's skin. I started to kick my legs and motioned for her to join me.
No, she shook her head; I will float. I prefer to be at this level, low to the ground.
What do you feel?
I opened my mouth to respond and bubbles formed. Each is drifting upwards toward the light.
Stay with me for a little longer, the blue-haired girl said.
I nodded.
Stephanie, it's almost time for our session to end. I'd like to speak with you before you go. Can you come up now, please?
I have to go; I sent to the sea girl.
She nodded. I know.
I loosened my grip on her hands. She smiled. I am always here.
I kicked and kicked until I reached the surface.
What do you feel, Paula repeated.
I feel centered, I'd said. I feel calm.
Know that you can return to that place no matter what is happening. No matter where you go or what you encounter.
That blue girl has tugged me down to where she floats without my seeking for her. Initially, I would close my eyes, envision the ocean, and go to her.
She is much stronger from that practice and now calls to me. She appears when my center begins to slip and the outside informs the inside. I feel her hands in mine and she draws me down deeper and deeper into the space where I am more of her than I am the self on the surface.
I will always be here, waiting, she said to me once. You just have to remember and return. Going under is the work. The temptation from the outside is great. Remember that I am here, waiting for you, though I do not need you.
She is right; I need her more than she needs me.
I will go fishing for her before I thrust my hand into the pool to grasp that little key!
Keep it, A. I don't need to unlock the secrets of your soul. I do not want to wade out into the pools where you rest. I have my own desperate desire to deal with and it is much colder and deeper where my heart resides! The thrust is what I crave; the deep dive into unknown waters and the propulsion upward as I kick-kick-kick and beat the water to a hearty froth as I surface!
Photo source.
