lovent
“God? A surface of ice anchored to laughter. That was God.”
We set up our bedding at the furthest edges of the room alongside the walls. Painted green and cream, the blinds were drawn tightly and woven together neat with fairy lights. I tried to peep outdoors, and the opaque glass gave me a small nose and two blue eyes, cracked lips I soothed with gloss. Sheets of skin and blood on my fingertips whenever I touched my mouth. A message: do not speak.
I washed my hair before I left and felt lighter from it. The women to my left and right were scented by their own lotions and sprays. Azalea, Bebee, Melissa, Kate, Gosha. There we are tucked in the south of the room by the radiator, in the corner. Each of us patted our bedding down and tucked slippers at its hem. Notebooks, water bottles, white sweaters, and cellphones speckled the floor at the foot of each cushion. I brought a white blanket with tassels and was provided two white pillows and gold sheets for the foam mattress. Women were on one side, and men were on the opposite. Energy must be split down the center with the alter holding court in the middle of the room. Someone had drawn up a mandala with twelve petals. Yellow roses and White Tara at its heart.
Paintings were placed upon the windowsills circling the space. Buddhist artwork in brilliant and bold colors. The one adjacent to where we slept bore the face of a goddess with silver hair. Ida and Pingala danced beside her; the color for each of the seven chakras marked their ascension from the earth to the heavens. Gold light and dark mountains. When I peaked, the painting appeared angular and red. Wide gashes and strikes as lightning bolts, like my lips. Do Not Speak. The goddess was soft and receptive in the daylight, the overlay a rainbow blur that whispered its joy.
Candles and crystals were placed at each aperture. Bebee gave Azalea and me stones she brought with her in a small fuzzy pouch. I chose a small flat green stone, Jade, for Abundance. My word for 2022. We selected the stones and held them in our palms, whispering prayers to our hot little hands. Azalea chose the orange stone and Bebee pink. A large chunk of black Onyx was left behind; the rock of Protection.
Rita sat by the stage with the musicians by her side. Several guitar players, a harp, and many deerskin drums of varied colors. Brown and taupe, feathered and wide. I gathered the musicians' names and placed them in my pocket, some fell out and some stayed with me. Lilly, Ash, MJ, Lucida, Allen, Rafael. I misremember two women, so I will not call them by their unknown names.
The healers sat in the middle of the room, each with an alter presenting their tools. Tuning forks, singing bowls, rattles, and various bottles of oils and sprays. Many carried vials of Rapé in vials tied to strings that hung around their necks with bamboo pipes.
Rapé is a dark power that consists of a blend of tobacco and plants. It’s blown up each nostril through the pipe. As soon as the powder enters your nose, it goes into the mucous membranes and bloodstream and increases the release of dopamine and epinephrine. The history and ceremony of Rapé go back to the time of the Incas.
I said yes to a round of the snuff without fully understanding what it would feel like and do to my physical body. I sat stark still on my white bed, closed my eyes, and allowed the Healer to stick the bamboo pipe into my left nostril. I exhaled completely out of my mouth and held my breath. He blew.
My heart screamed and my body burned. I felt hot torches touching my skin from my eyelids to my chest. My eyes watered and I thought to cry out but could not. I felt like I’d been tossed into an ice bath off the cliff's edge. There was no sound or sense of place. I pressed my palms to my thighs to return to where I was and looked at the Healer.
Thank you, I said.
He said we have to do both sides to balance the energy.
I shook my head; No, Thank You.
It doesn’t work like that; you must do both sides.
My tears were of shock and then proper sorrow as I sat with the notion of having to undergo the process all over again. I sat back and exhaled; I felt the stick enter my right nostril and closed my eyes. I loosened my hands against my jeans, took my inner gaze to the center of my chest and heart, and brought bright green into my body.
The next hit was a jolt arched my spine and thundered through my nervous system. I felt bees at my throat and pressed my hands down against my legs. I hummed with the bees. Three times. Pressing the pain and heat downwards with my tears. All flooded down and out into the ground. I rocked myself back and forth as the Healer left- without acknowledgment.
It was then that I realized: no one was going to hold me or stay by my side as I went into the darkness during their retreat. I was at the edge of the mountain, entirely alone, in this pretty rectangle room of white and green.
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