kaira
“ I wanted to escape, my mouth constantly starved for your mouth, life”
We are embarking on a new path together. I don’t know where it goes. I consider you a spiritual friend, a playmate, and a catalyst in my personal development. You are no longer my lover. I must shift how I identify with you.
What is a lover?
What is a friend?
A lover is someone I can be intimate with and express bursts of lust and passion. It is someone I share my body with and whisper secrets to in the dark. As lovers, we enter a new world together when our bodies touch and we become wet and open ourselves to the experience of creating together.
Love is life. On a physical level, making love plants the seed of life in a woman’s womb.
On a spiritual level, life is the will to connect- to merge with another person's consciousness/soul.
Love is opening your heart to receive the other.
I have done that with you, and you with me.
You are in my heart and always will be. For me, when someone enters this space, they never leave. Everyone I’ve ever shared my heart with is still in there- some more quietly than others.
You are soft spoken though your voice in my heart is the loudest right now!
We cannot make love to each other and explore the landscape of each other's bodies.
I accept this. It makes me feel a little lonely and a little curious!
I have never been in a relationship like this before, with myself, or another person.
My initial reaction to your suppressed desire was that something was wrong with me. I spent weeks wondering if I was unattractive. If you did not find me appealing, what could I do to make myself more desirable?
In this moment, I realized how I’d attached my validation in a partnership with another person to sex.
I felt how insidious and subtle the contract of being a sexual object- that my reassurance relies on sexual gratification and commitment.
There is a small part of me, even now, that wonders why you love me if you cannot hold me and have me; we cannot lay together, so why be together?
I understand, consciously, that sex is one aspect of a relationship. I have made it a primary element of my attachment to partners in the past without knowing it.
The only way to meet myself is through love! Not through God.
Companionship is not codependency, just as devotion is not obedience.
I have spent decades protecting my independence. I never want to sacrifice my identity to align with another. Not even God. Especially not God; that story does not serve me, so I will never serve Him.
Is my relationship with God a metaphor for us?
I do not need a God to tell me if I am good or bad or if my actions are just or deplorable.
My heart sends me messages. I will never rely on someone else to give me the answers. I've read enough that my mind will dissect and filter what it needs.
I am the one who poses the questions and the one who designs the answer. I have many guides who lead me with their stories of experience. Women who lived their love and cast it out into the world to show others what is possible.
Love is possible, and it feels different for every person.
Clarice Lispector. Simone Weil. Anais Nin. Hilda Hilst. These are my people; I belong to a lineage of poets. I belong to a tribe of women who stuck out their tongues to tease the world with their lusty romances!
Christine Price Clark keeps appearing in my dreams and it has something to do with the Mother Archetype.
Who is my mother? That is another great question.
Clara is my spiritual playmate. My best friend.
I want to walk many worlds before I return home.
Photo source.
