gülümsemek
“All that you touch
You Change.
All that you Change
Changes you.
The only lasting truth
is Change.
God
is Change.”
I must establish small situations where I come into contact with people with the same desire.
The origin is not the only thing that matters. One has the power to change their roots if one can stand a violent upheaval!
The only way through is through. There is no way to surface from desperation if you do not understand the fullness of your own despair.
Loneliness. What is it? A broken plate. A jar that will not open. A deflated balloon drags on the floor, and the child will not let it go.
Acceptance occurs in stages. I could not stand the stomach pains many months ago when I felt what was happening.
It is like standing upright and feeling like the whole world is moving, but you are standing stalk still in the center of a thing that slithers. What is that? The disquiet? The yearning for something that is never really there with you?
I wanted to be him- to breathe through him - to enter his state to feel what he sees, tastes, hears, and touches. I wanted to be outside of my experience because to be here is to feel my pain, and it is too great sometimes!
Give me someone else because the story is not mine, and I am removed from the sweetness at the heart of the suffering.
Lust and disgust; there is a place to be in between at the margins of madness. I am learning how to be here. I am alone in Istanbul and discovering how to navigate these cobblestone streets that look so much like all the other roads I've walked. The leather espadrilles I purchased one year ago in Barcelona are finally broken in. It took three hundred sixty-five days for my feet to impose their impression.
If I've learned one thing on my journey thus far, it is that I've been seduced by all the senses and given myself far too easily!
My yes is strong, and my body is stronger. So much so that my vibration extends beyond what I am capable of containing. I must practice strengthening my discipline and my muscles. I left those silly ankle weights at Mouna's in Marrakesh. I cannot take them on the smaller planes - I was pulled off in Rabat. It is too confusing to try to assemble myself and explain when people do not understand English.
Sanga is the willingness of a collective to come together with shared beliefs, values, and desires. It is a container to tease out the transformation!
I am shifting from the goo phase. I announced myself last night before a group of individuals tapping out their creative process. I lent them my tips and guidance. I am not a prescriptive person! Everyone must decide their path. We have many choices in one day despite not getting to choose much of anything!
We decorate our cages as we prefer.
I am very cold where I sit, and I ordered an espresso though the drink that was given to me was a cold shot with some light foam. It is delicious though I am shivering beneath the tree. The sun has disappeared behind dark clouds, and today, there is a protest for Pride Day. The people are not allowed to march in Istanbul, so police are out with guns and shields to supervise the unrest! It started yesterday. I walked twelve kilometers around the Galata Tower, Taksim Square, and across the bridge to Eminonu. I passed a square with many police cars and protestors. Someone had a megaphone and yelled out through the crowd. I did not see whose side they stood on.
I am back on a vegan diet; animal products aid my nausea, and I don't think it's necessary, based on my practice, to consume such material.
I have moved into the light space of energy work on a level I have not ventured.
The beginning occurred as a result of the ending. The question I've asked myself since February is, why now? What transpired in me that I entered a romance in this way? I've never given myself to another person so totally. In the past, I have not cared when I felt the breakup and moved on without looking back.
This time was different, and it had nothing to do with him and all to do with my transformation. I stuck myself to him as a crab to its shell. The exit is alarming and grotesque, albeit necessary.
The bedrock had never been lain, and I sunk very low within myself for a few weeks in France. There were three days I could not get out of bed. I can't remember if I ate; if I did, it would have been bread with some oil. Food is a delicious distraction. My stomach shrunk to the size of a walnut, and it took five weeks with Mariko to release the pinched nerves in my back. I forced myself so close to the source within, hoping to feel my light and ignite the subtle fire within. It was snuffed out, and not he blew out the flame!
He does not have that power. No one but I have the right to control my creative spark. I damped the flame and let it go out. A result of too many tears. Crying is liberating. My tears freed me from the force of anger. The rage I felt at having been led astray from my values.
A person so easily distracted by external pressures cannot be trusted. I lean on my inner compass though I have not always had the resolve to do so. You must put the things in a person when they are small so they know to listen to their inner voice despite what is happening outside them.
Intuition is a skill that can be strengthened, like the biceps and hamstrings. It needs to be practiced. It needs discipline and dedication. How to practice such a thing? Start small. Start by breathing and seeing how your body feels. Sometimes I lay on my back and rub my belly in slow circles, moving clockwise until the rope loosens and the coils release. It takes a few minutes, and on other days it never shifts.
The phoenix is born from the ashes. It needs fire to transform. The butterfly arises from the wet, goo phase. That is my pathway, and my process slips and slides; I reach out for something hard to clasp until I can catch my footing.
Rise! The rabbit screams from the corridor. It is a white hallway, and my heels echo. The metal doors are locked, and the breeze blows in through the cracks. It is too cold, and yet I am naked. I did not bring a sweater. I felt hot and did not think it could be any other way than what it was.
Is this my folly? Being so present, I do not think about what happens next. What is there after this other than what this is not?
My desire is always ahead of me, and for this reason, I do not understand myself. I long for something; once I have it, the longing disappears, and I want something else! What an ugly, unnecessary trait.
Am I a traitor for moving into a new name? I've yet to spread my wings as wide as they will reach. I need to understand my surroundings before I fling myself outward. It is too swift of a fall if I don't know how to fly.
And there has never been anyone to catch me.
I have never wanted one person to catch me. I want a Sangha, an intentional community, to hold me close and feed me. As I will give to it, it will receive and replenish me. There are no power struggles within Kula. It is outside of the petty intellectual struggles of our species!
Photo source.
