May. Thirty-one days of sunshowers. Two cubes of brown sugar in the Moroccan tea and the kettle whistles with the birds. I hung red and orange curtains to put a shield between the man sitting in the window with a cigarette and bowl of pistachios and me. I enjoy his company. He, too, seems to appreciate the swallows sweeping the air for bugs. Gentle birds, they bookend my day.

The man is in a home where a woman appears midday to hang the laundry. Fuzzy pink and purple towels. A pair of light trousers. Presumably, the man. She wears a scarf, and it changes by the day. Sometimes it's a floral print. Other times it's striped. Her dress is always the same, a dark blue robe with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows to keep them out of the way of her chores, presumably.

In the apartment photographs, there's meant to be a little table beneath the window with a stool. The man's posture mirrors what would be mine if I had that little desk. He sits angled away from the sun. That is not how I would sit. I rotate the direction of my yoga mat to face South when I practice. Ganesha holds it down at the North end of the bed. I need someone to guide my feet. My purpose. Elephants have been with me since I was a child, and it's one of the few objects I've held onto while traveling.

I do not want to leave Rabat. I have made friends at the dance classes and barre au sol. Women in their mid-twenties to forties from Morocco, France, Spain, and Israel. Some laugh with me as we spin and brush the floor with our feet! They are kind.

Brosse! Brosse! Salima cries from the middle of the room. Girls, you must resist- push the floor with your feet. Look, watch me- PUSH. Use your force! Push from here, and she places a hand on her lower abdomen.

My guts are super sensitive. My appetite has returned. I eat full meals at midday and before I rest in the evening. I followed Mariko's instructions to take it easy. I haven't done any heart-opening postures. I've alternated days on to do my core and strengthening exercises and days off to stretch my frontline and side waist. My back still cracks below my scapula, and I've noticed tension in my neck- the scalenes. 

Long bike rides by the beach pump my body with fresh blood and oxygen. I feel calmer and more grounded with the world whipping beneath my feet as I pedal beyond where I've been before. 

My intention in all that I do has shifted. I ask three questions when I end my day and set my hands over my heart:

1. Did I love enough?

2. Did I ask enough questions? 

3. Have I engaged others? 

I want to teach yoga again; I am ready. I want to be with people. I want to talk about philosophy and weave it through movement. How I teach will not be what it used to be. I will dance, I will offer core work, I will chant. I will infuse my classes with all my favorite things. Poetry and vibey tracks for people to loosen up through. What I offer will be very similar, though I will enter the space with more alacrity. This is the change!

I have taken a Sadhana practice for June. I've been waking before five am to do reiki and mantra from my bed, though this month, I'd like to perform the same rituals sitting upright. 

Today was the first day. I rose, lit a small wick of incense, and turned on the stove to warm the tea. The incense is one of the broken nubs I discovered in my bag. It is the brand from Vancouver; I can't remember the name. It is earthy and dark. The tea is from yesterday. Black with mint. While the water boiled and the room filled with that musky aroma, I washed my face, used the toilet, and swept the floor. Then, I prepared a place to sit. 

The thin white blanket with tassels at the shorter edges, the one I purchased for the ceremony in the UK, is what I've been using to sit on. I fold it twice and place one of my yoga blocks on it. Just enough space for me to cross my ankles and have my joints on the blanket. I face the South-East, though it should really be fully East, considering I am in Morocco. 

The East wall in my room is the corner for clothes and the couch. I prefer the South East wall, where I have a place for Ganesha. It feels correct to sit facing that direction, so I do. 

It doesn't matter which way you face as long as your heart is strong, devoted, and pure. This is my belief. 

I like to listen to Clara's voice memos in the morning while I drink my tea. Sometimes I lay in bed with my cup on the floor and put the phone next to my ear so it sounds like she's beside me. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, and sometimes I can transport myself to her living room, the one on Cambie Street, with the red rug and the hummingbirds outside. 

I've never been to her new home. The red rug is there. She sends me pictures of Oreo sprawled out on the carpet. 

After I listen to Clara and finish my tea, I take a seat and chant mantra for one cycle of Japa Mala. I'm using my blue turquoise beads because they are bigger, and the bindi is heavy. My other mala are black, onyx stones and too small to maneuver easily between my middle finger and thumb. You never touch the beads with the index finger, for it represents the ego. I weave the onyx stones around Ganesha's alter or around my wrist. It depends on my mood. I purchased a small green ceramic dish for Ganesha. Sometimes I flip it over, and he presides on top. Other times I place cashews, almonds, raisins, and flowers in it and set it in front. It depends on my mood.

The mantra I choose also depends on my mood. 

Today I worked with the bija seed mantras for each of the seven chakras along the spine. 

Lam-Vam-Ram-Yam-Ham-Om-Pause. 

There is silence, a pause, at the end for the crown chakra. 

Depending on the lineage you prefer, there are more or less chakras. The book I am reading right now says there are four. A woman I worked with five years ago said there were eight. It doesn't really matter. Daniel Odier says there will be five chakras if you think there are five chakras. If you tell your mind there are twelve, you will feel twelve. 

We are very malleable; the mind has a lot of thoughts that are not always true and not always not true!

I chanted for 108 cycles and then sat in meditation. I did a 50-minute yoga class with Clara- one of the new classes we received from Sanctuary. I did my own thing a little bit. The class was themed for the Earth Element. It worked with the aroma of my incense. 

I placed my palms over my body during the mantra and felt for each chakra. The two areas that lit up were my womb (sacral) and heart. It makes sense. I have my period right now. I used to be aligned with the dark moon, and now I am with the full moon. Something funny occurred when I left Clara in Paris. My cycles were with her, and when she left, I skipped a month, and when my period returned, it was with a different moon phase. 

My heart is resilient because it is alighted by hope. It hums through my entire being! The vibration soothed my stomach. My heart has healed from the shock, and I am brimming with devotion and joy! 

June. June. June. 

What blessings will this new month bring!?

Photo source.