Part 1 - The Mole

The night was less dry than the previous evenings and scented with the figs that grew in the garden. They were tight and green overhead and fell to the earth with a splat that did not break the seams. A person's insides were like figs, bursting with red and purple you wanted to stick your mouth to and suck all the juice out. The girl was constantly licking her fingers to clear them of the stickiness from the fruit, and what she really should do was carry a napkin with her to wet with a bit of water.

Her walks were a bit shorter because of the forest fires. The air quality was not as poor as it had been some days earlier, but she could taste the burning trees in her mouth even when she was chewing on the pulp of cherries and figs. Nothing could reduce the yearning the girl felt, and she snapped like the bark that blazed all day and night.

Kemer was full of fires. Glowing with heat as fiery and bright as the passion the girl carried in her body. A meaningful human endeavor is what she was after. She fed cats palmfuls of the dry food she purchased at the market and let them eat from her palm. She liked the feeling of their teeth on her skin. There is a way to create identity, time, and place without imposing yourself on others. The girl studied behavior from behind her bangs. She understood the subtle textures of discontent. Some people picked their nails. Most people walked with their shoulders rounded, and their heads bowed just a little bit, hunched into their homes where no one could see them. One person chewed the tips of their hair, and the girl tried not to judge but thought this was a bit disgusting. She watched the saliva dribble down the person's shirt and wondered what that person had eaten for lunch and how much of it was digested.

It is harder to digest the things we don't understand, so the girl strove to understand everything with a fervor most found disjointed.

You move too fast; they'd say, looking away. They had already finished the conversation but had not yet completed their sentence.

Alacrity was the girl's greatest gift! She was engaged with an unpredictable universe and turned on by the unexpected.

The mole was not a mole but a hedgehog. It was a light brown with white spots and a dark nose that rooted briskly through the dirt. The girl contemplated the creature's actions and felt akin to it immediately. She moved through the world with the same pragmatic determination. Searching for nourishment and settling in the world owing to a source of discipline she'd developed innately. The girl was very good at listening.

You are passionate, he'd said. She liked that he said these things because not so many people did. Sacred relationships were rare. What does it mean to coalesce with a lover? The contents of your lives spilling perhaps not so indiscreetly like a jar of marbles knocked over on a floor. The sound is scintillating, the rolling of glass against the wood. Staying close to the earth was very important to the girl. She believed animals were more connected to their intuition because their bellies were closer to the earth. It had nothing to do with sight and everything to do with feel.

Setting boundaries is the hardest thing to do in relationships, yet it establishes trust and understanding. It is a maturation process to be able to say; this is who I am, and you can be who you are, too. What is appropriate and what is not - an ornament requires a pair of hands in order to be fashioned.

Part 2 - The Mountain

Lilac and slate. This is how she would remember the peaks that presided over her place in the woods, where the geckos danced between the dried leaves on the patio. One big bug, green and yellow, buzzed between the velvet curtains. The girl trapped it between Hilda Hilst (The Obscene Madame D) and a glass coffee cup she later dropped, so it split clean in half down its middle. At midnight, the mountains disappeared, so the girl rose at daybreak to witness their appearance.

It is irrevocably significant to see things as they take form. The emergence is the most important. Whatever happens afterward is less enthralling. Isn't it appalling to watch something transform? The in-between phases are the most uncomfortable. It's why I prefer vinyasa yoga to all other styles; the emphasis is just as much on the transition as it is on the poses. How I move from an upright shape to my back is essential to the flow of the sequence. I feel very disjointed in my daily life if there is no order. I feel disconnected when the flow is blocked or disrupted. The mountains are always there, and I know this even when I cannot see them. Even though they never go anywhere, I wake up early to watch them arrive. It is like love; you have to remember that it is always there even when you cannot directly experience it through the senses.

Trust is a call to accountability. Before I can trust anyone else, I must first depend on myself. My skepticism is the inversion of altruism. How to practice benevolence? Be relentless with your attention; to charge yourself with a deep sense of accountability and commitment, one must first know what they love!

I can feel when a person is seeking validation. I can feel when the conditions are controlling compassion. When the insides are firm, I can take hold of the roots and shake-shake-shake them, and it doesn't change a thing within the person's resolve. I am tossed and turned and tumble like wet clothes in the dryer; the turbulence turns me inside out. I am still learning how to withstand the demands of those around me. It is not as easy as saying no to setting a boundary. Sometimes, no is not the word that is required. Sometimes, the events I encounter are far more insidious. It is non-verbal. There is a way to be clean and connect to the source to cut through the bullshit. I withdraw Durga's sword and swipe it from left to right.

Fires are burning all over the world, and all we can do is contain the fury. We are a suspended species. I am sick of reading the same allegorical details that keep us tethered to outdated narratives. I will write something as impermanent as the mountains. Even the strongest stone is worn down. I will walk straight into the wind; I want to feel its force in my bones.

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