Dentist 1

White room. Gloved hands. Small cups of ice water. Take out your earrings. Stand here. Bite down. Ready? One, two, red flash. Did you look at the laser beam? I hope not. I speak Spanish, do you? I consider myself a nationalist: I hope we have a war. It's the only way to fix Turkey. That's the doctor; we'll go upstairs to room 3. I saved you the good one. Wink-wink-wink. You look like a woman who travels a lot. Why? I don't know. It's the pants. Open wider. Two small mirrors. One large oval mirror. Flashing lights. Let's sit down to discuss the plan. We'll do root canals on the six bottom teeth and shift them backward slightly so you can bite properly. The two top ones, I can tilt forward. We'll do twenty-eight crowns for the entire mouth. Otherwise, your teeth won't match. The root canals and crowns will cost about six thousand euros. You in?

Dentist 2

Sliding glass doors. Thin blue slippers are worn over the shoes. Tea, coffee, oranges, mineral water. Living wall. Fountain. We'll do the x-ray first; then you'll meet the dentist to discuss your options—dark room. Bite here; look away from the light. We'll meet your dentist now. Do you want anything to drink? Soda? A tall woman wearing all blue. She has small hands and sparkly earrings. Brown eyes that smile above the mask. You need new fillings in the two front teeth; they are not strong. I will do this before we set the crowns. I can make them stronger by filling them. You had them done how long ago? Yes, they need to be replaced. Two crowns for the front teeth and two veneers for the adjacent teeth to provide symmetry; they are a little crooked. I can make you a night guard also. The color will be fine; I will match it to the rest of your teeth. Fifteen hundred euros, give or take. We can do this over ten days. You have strong teeth so it will take two appointments.

Epilogue

I have two temporary front teeth while the technicians design the crowns. They are shorter than my former teeth and make my underbite more pronounced. I cried when I got home and decided to smile with an open mouth anyway. I cannot bite or chew with my front teeth, or they may crack. This is a precursor for when I am very old and have dentures. Food is such a delightful activity. The tasting. The swallowing. The sharing with friends. I have been robbed of this event for eight days. I sit in my living room and eat alone. Small bites I stuff into the corners of my mouth. I am not sad about this; merely curious. I have a lisp. My friends say they do not notice it, though; they've only known me for two months. Everything is temporary.

I stayed present in the process of shaving down the two front teeth. First, the dentist created a straight line across the four front teeth. She used a tool that buzzed and another tool that flashed purple and blue lights. Her assistant, the dental hygienist, held two instruments. One that spouted water as the enamel came away and the other a sucker that slurped up the spit and water.

I had four needles, one for each tooth, and my face was frozen from chin to nose. I fear feeling too much, so I was grateful for the lack of sensation.

The sculpting took ninety minutes. I kept my eyes closed for most of it, though I could see little specks of dust motes in the air when I peeked—my tooth enamel, of course. Pieces of me floated and landed on my cheeks, neck, torso, chair, and the dentist. The hygenist kept a cold cloth nearby and occasionally wiped my face. I could feel drool at my earlobes.

In the past, I've zoned out or used podcasts or music to remove myself mentally from the procedures with doctors or dentists. I stayed inside my body and took a step back, observing the exchange in Turkish. The woman nodded and spoke softly over the buzzing and clicking instruments. Mostly, their dialogue was non-verbal; a look or gesture passed between them in a manner that could have only been developed over time. The hygenist also had dark eyes with lighter hair, and a smile that curled at the edges. She was much softer, a little more delicate and discreet. Less confident, perhaps.

Education is one way to establish the self and assume control over one's life. Appearance is the other.

I've never considered myself vain; however, when I saw the two little nubs left where my front teeth used to be, I hated myself momentarily! I was ugly. My mouth full of gaps, and my teeth small and brown. They had to be this way to prepare for the crowns. I hate them. I hate their smallness. I hate the brown color. I hate the gaps. I hate the way I look. For a second, I hate myself!

Isn't it unbelievable what such a small alteration can produce in the psyche?

Is it the pressure of society or something else that caused me to feel this way? Everywhere I go, no matter what country I am in, the desire to be symmetrical, plump, and youthful is the driving force of the upper class. Everyone wants to be tight and smooth. It is not possible. I will sag. I will fold. I will wrinkle and be wizened as a raisin!

I want to keep my teeth, but even this is a fantasy. The decay of our insides occurs outside of our control. There are many things we do not get to give our consent to or choose. Thus, the desire to manipulate and dictate imposes itself as a need to overcome the fear of losing what you have.

I do not fear death, but I do fear being ugly.

What a thing to admit. I abhor myself for writing such a thing down and making it permanent.

The first dentist wanted to reconstruct my face. Did he see me as an easy mark to make money? Or did he have some misaligned desire that propelled him toward such an outcome? An unnecessary outcome, at that. I never asked for my teeth to be straight: I only wanted the two dead teeth to be whitened.

The second dentist did not need to hear my request. The x-rays were taken, and she peered into my mouth afterward and said, you have two options. Her proposal was considered. She is a kind woman with no agenda. She answered my questions and, at one point, said, I can advise you in terms of necessity; I know teeth, not cosmetics.

Dentist 1 wanted to kill six more teeth. Dentist 2 wished to strengthen the current dead teeth to match the strength and color of the rest of my teeth.

Is this how we move through the world? Some of us exploit the circumstances to bolster our ego and greed, while others make the best decision for the group, not only for themselves.

It comes down to scarcity: do we fear needing more, or do we feel supported by our family, friends, community, and country?

Photo source.